WHEN ADVICE BECOMES AN ABUSE.HOW TO GIVE GREAT ADVICE AND KNOW WHEN TO SHUT UP. By Dr. Franca 4th May 2017.
There is nothing like a good heart -to- heart discussion. And a problem shared often seems lessened. But there is a fine line between support and interference and if you dish out badly judged advice,it can easily ruin a friendship. So know when and how you should speak up and when it is best to keep quiet. See more
LIVE A HIGH VOLTAGE LIFE
IS IT TRUE MEN ARE FROM MARS AND WOMEN ARE FROM VENUS. LOVE YOUR PARTNER THE BEST WAY. By Dr. Franca 27th November 2016.
Too often, male and female differences are at the root of relationship problems. The friction is not due to the fact that men and women are physically, emotionally, psychologically, and culturally different from one another but from the fact that we don't understand those differences or work to accommodate them in our relationships. In contrast, a relationship grows and thrives when partners understand that they are designed to be different and to complement each other naturally. Too often male-female differences are at the root of marital problems. The friction is not due to the fact that men and women are physically, emotionally, psychologically, and culturally different from one another, but from the fact that we don’t understand those differences or work to accommodate them in our relationship
In contrast, a marriage grows and thrives when a husband and wife understand and accept that God has designed them to be different and complementary.
The most obvious differences between men and women are physical but that isn’t what causes the most friction in marriage. Nevertheless, understanding that God made men and women different physically is important when two lives are blended into one. Let’s look at some of the physical differences between men and women:
Women live an average of 8 years longer than men.
Men are usually stronger and able to run faster and lift more weight than women.
Men have XY & XX chromosomes; women have XX chromosomes.
Men have a greater amount of the hormone testosterone, which increases their tendency toward aggression and physical activity.
Men lose weight faster than women due to the lower ratio of muscle and fat.
Men have a higher metabolic rate than women.
A man’s blood gives off more oxygen than a woman’s.
Women have greater endurance than men.
A woman’s capacity to exercise is reduced 2% every 10 years, whereas a man’s capacity is reduced 10% over the same period.
Men are often physically aroused by visual stimuli; women are usually aroused by touch, caresses, and affection.
A man’s skin wrinkles later in life than a woman’s skin.
Our brains function differently. The male is more left hemisphere controlled (logical) and the woman is more right hemisphere controlled (intuitive, emotional).
Men and women are anatomically different, for instance the man’s pelvis is narrow; the woman’s pelvis is broad for childbearing.
Again, these differences do not usually pose significant challenges to the marriage relationship, but they do underscore the fact that God made us, male and female, quite different from one another.
Far more significant in a marriage than physical difference are the psychological difference between men and women. It is interesting to note that these differences are rooted in physical differences on the construction of the brain and the way it works in What Every Woman Should Know about Men, Joyce Brothers offers the following background information:
The foetus has what scientists call a “bipotential and undifferentiated brain”, which means it can go either way (male or female) depending on the influence of sex hormones. The brain is divided into a left and right hemisphere. The right (the verbal brain) controls language and reading skills. We use it when we balance our checkbook, read a newspaper, sing a song, play bridge, write a later… The left hemisphere…is the centre of our spatial abilities. We use it when we consult a road map, thread our way through a maze, work a jigsaw puzzle, design a house plan or plant a garden.
Doreen Kimura elaborates on the differences between the male and female brain in an article in Psychology Today:
Sexual differences in the way the brain is organized suggest different ways of thinking and learning. The male brain is specialized. He uses one side for solving spatial problems, the other side for defining a word or verbalizing a problem. The female brain is not so specialized for some functions such as defining words. A woman’s right brain and left brain abilities are duplicated to some extent in each hemisphere and work together to solve problems.
Husbands have difficult time doing more than one or two things at a time. Wives are able to work effectively on three, four, or even five things at a time. Women can shift from right brain to left-brain activities very quickly, and many times they rely on both hemispheres at the same time. Not us men! We have to come to a screeching halt in the left brain before we shift to the right brain. Now there is nothing wrong with us men; were just different from you. That’s how God created our brains to work! This data on right brain and left-brain explains several psychological differences between men and women:
Women can better sense the difference between what people say and what they mean.
Women are more perceptive than men about the meaning of feelings.
Men have difficulty understanding women’s intuition, often thinking that women are too sensitive.
Men and women approach problems differently. Men are more analytical and deal with problem more objectively. Women are less objective and personally identify with the problem.
Women can work on several projects at once. Men want to concentrate on only one thing at a time.
The physical and psychological differences between men and women give rise to several cultural differences. Let’s take a look at marriage, commitment, and success in the business world. When husbands and wives address the cultural expectations of a man, they can avoid several sources of conflict. Which of the following ideas from today’s culture are seeds of conflict in your marriage?
The man is to be the main breadwinner in the family. If the wife works and earns more, he feels that she will not respect him.
Men don’t quit until they are carried off the field.
Being macho is important. A man must be in shape, drive the right car, own many houses and belong to the right political club.
Men must know about “men things”: village or town union meetings, social meetings, boats, trucks, planes, cars, sports, etc.
A man can perform sexually under any circumstances, on demand, and repeatedly.
Where do you see differences between the male culture and female culture causing tension in your marriage?
How can understanding the source of some of the differences between you and your husband help minimize the stress they cause? Other ways that women differ from men when it comes to sexuality are:
Wives like to be taken out to restaurants, pepper soup, ‘isi ewu’ joints.
Wives like to be talked to while making love to be told how
your husband is feeling and what he wants. Conversation builds intimacy and excitement for you.
Wives like to take their time when being loved, and take longer than husbands to become fully aroused sexually.
They need to feel emotionally secure in order to become fully aroused sexually.
They want husbands to respect their body.
Wives need patience and gentle attention as well as verbal appreciation.
Do you know, though, how men differ from women when it comes to sexual fulfilment?
Men want to know they are doing a good job in life. Any constructive criticism needs to be expressed with love and tenderness.
Men like women who have a sense of humour.
Men like to experience the feminine side of women.
Sex makes men feel wanted. Sex is a way for men to be received or accepted physically and emotionally.
What have you learned about your husband from this discussion of sexual differences? How can you stand by him despite the ways he differs from you sexually?
The longer you are married, the more you will see that happiness in marriage doesn’t just happen. You have to work on it everyday. Always hold hands and tell each other of your love for one another.
Never take each other for granted. Learn to love with a willing joy.
According to the story - teller, men are from Mars and women are from Venus. The Martians invented telescope and discovered the Venusians.
Glimpsing the Venusians awakened feelings they had never known. They invented space craft and flew to Venus. They fell in love with the Venusians and decided to fly to Earth. But the effect of the Earth atmosphere induced a kind of selective amnesia.
THE HERO OF AMAH TOWN. By Dr. Franca 11th Mar 2017
This is a metaphorical tale of a man travelling through the forest of Amah town. Suddenly he heard the voice of a woman crying out in distress. The voice was that of Geisha, the daughter of a wealthy trader trapped inside her father's mansion and attacked by a very dangerous wild beast. He rushed to her assistance , pulled out his sword and slew the beast. As a result, he was lovingly received by Geisha. The man was welcomed and celebrated by the family of Geisha and the town people. He was invited to live in Amah town and was acknowledged as a hero. He and Geisha fell in love.
A few months later the noble man went off on another trip. On his way back, he heard his beloved princess crying out for help. Another beast had attacked the mansion. When the hero arrived he pulled out his sword to slay the beast, but Geisha shouted out from the top floor of the mansion, “Don’t use your sword, use this rope. It will work better.” She threw him the rope and motioned to him instructions on how to use it.
He hesitantly followed her instructions. He wrapped it round the beast’s neck, pulled it hard, the beast died and everybody rejoiced.
At the celebration dinner, the man felt he did not do anything. Somehow, because he did not use his sword, he did not quite feel worthy of the town’s trust and admiration. After the event he was slightly depressed.
A month later he went on yet another trip. As he leaves with his sword, Geisha reminded him to be careful and told him to take the rope. On his way home, there was another beast attacking the mansion.
This time he rushed forward with his sword but hesitated, thinking whether to use the sword or the rope. In that instance of hesitation, the beast charged and savaged his right arm.
In confusion he looked up and saw his princess waving from the mansion window. “Use the poison,” she yelled. “The rope doesn’t work.” She threw him the poison, which he poured into the beast’s mouth, and the beast died. Everybody rejoiced and celebrated, but the noble man felt ashamed.
A month later, he prepared for another trip remembering his sword, but Geisha reminded him to be careful, and to bring the rope and the poison. He was annoyed by her suggestions but agreed to bring them just in case suggestions but agreed to bring them just in case.
This time on his journey he heard the cry of another woman in distress. As he rushes to her call, his depression left him and he charged with confidence. But as he drew his sword to slay the beast, he again hesitated. He wondered, should I use my sword, the rope or the poison? What would Geisha say?”
For a moment he is confused. But then he remembered how he had felt before he knew Geisha back in the days when he only carried a sword. With a burst of renewed confidence he threw off the rope and the poison and charged the beast with his trusted sword. He killed the beast and the town people rejoiced.
The man never returned to Geisha. He eventually married, but only after making sure his new partner knew nothing about the ‘Geisha girl’ with a ‘Geisha’ wisdom.This story reminds us that there is a hero in every man.
Although a man may appreciate caring and assistance sometimes, but too much of it will lessen his confidence and or turn him off. In other words and in most cases, what a man needs from his woman is trusting love rather than caring love. Geisha’s wisdom is dreaded by every hero.
Copyright 2017 © Ngozi Franca Okoye PhD.
Pinnacs Media and Productions
ALL RIGHTS RESERVED.
Dr. Franca . Motivational Speaker and Life Coach. Author of Unique Me, Unique You. A Guide to Build Your Self Esteem and Improve Your Self Confidence in One Week.